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Breathing in Thorns

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Yuck. [11 Sep 2007|05:00pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

Sugar. Yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck.

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Some sort of...something is in order. [10 Sep 2007|11:02pm]
5 months later.

I'm at an interesting place right now. Summer brought about  so many (mostly positive) life changing experiences that I'm finding it hard to retain all of them. I think one of my main issues right now is that I have no idea what I want. At all. I don't know what I want to do post-secondary wise, I don't know if I want to go to school some more at all, for that matter. I don't know what I want relationship wise, I don't especially care what I do food wise.

It feels almost like I'm stuck in machine mode... forget living. Eat, sleep (minimally), freak out, do school work, eat, sleep... not having much fun with that. I'm missing my extremes. And that makes me wonder. Is this what it feels like to be a functional human bean in society? Huh. Somewhat of a scary thought. Discouraging in a way.

Sleep.
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So. [29 Mar 2007|07:42pm]
What's left of my ed is stuck in my mind right now. It's a pain in the ass, because I'm eating healthy, probably NOT getting enough excercise for once... and I still get all the guilt, all the remorse, all the stupid grief over a stupid cause.

I have a lot more to say, later.
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playing tag with the air [12 Mar 2007|10:31pm]
Oh god food.

First and foremost, please, please disregard anything off about this post. I'm all drugged up on ati-something for a pre-dentist trial run. I wouldn't let them give me shots, so they want me groggy. Christ I hate needles. And I feel really weird. Top heavy.... heavy heavy, sluggish kind of. And I'm all off balance. Fun times. It's pretty fun actually, trying to amble up the stairs feeling as if your feet are getting all tangled up when they aren't , and you're really just clomping up the stairs as usual. Plus some major dizziness. Wheee!

I'm currently hovering around 107 lbs. Yes, of course it's driving my insane, but I'm trying to just keep things constantish, while still wishing to be back around 92 lbs...

Coconut milk phase is over, cashew phase is over, I still eat parmesan, but I'm not revolted by it like I am the other two. Heavily into the morning power smoothie. Yogurt, berries or pineapple, kiwi, mango, whatever's around. With a few drops of stevia and two hefty spoonfuls of Mum's Hemp Protein Powder.


My mind is going haywire, so I should probably find something else to do before I drive my fist through the screen in frustration at the manic typing speed I've acquired that really doesn't work at all.


Fuck, my thoughts are too all over the place right now. Perhaps I'll come back with a real post in a few days.

Hang in there, Blaise, my love.
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hum de dum [15 Jan 2007|11:39pm]
[ mood | sarcastic ]

Okay. It’s been far too long. Actually, the only reason I’m typing is because I have some (probably inaccurate) notion that putting this out in front of me will help me regulate food shit. Over winter break, I got back down to 95 lbs. It felt terrific! Food wasn’t dictating where I would go, I wasn’t hovering around the kitchen 24/7. I basically felt like I had more of a life. Apparently my body wasn’t liking it too much though. Sometime around Jan. 4, about the same time I banished all sugar as part of my new year’s resolution (which is actually being followed, believe it or not), the good habit I’d gotten into turned a bit indulgent. I didn’t really care. The chips and cheese where there and I thought, “Hey, why not? I haven’t had nachos in a while.” And then for the next few days I kept it regular. An apple for breakfast, nachos for lunch, and whatever for dinner. Snacks… food in general, was nicely ignorable until sometime around 3 in the afternoon, fighting achy fingers from guitar and a rumbly tummy, and even then, I didn't  enjoy it, it didn't taste good, so  I didn't obsess over it. 

It’s not that I’m not eating healthy, I’m just eating too many starchy, fatty, very caloric foods. Like Kettle Chips, and nachos made with parmesan, (parmesan = love) and yes, again, believe it or not: The girl who refuses to eat ice cream and butter is completely captivated by ……(wait for it)….. coconut milk. 120 calories per 60 grams. Not bad? They’re all from fat. 35% daily intake of saturated, and 11% of daily fat in general. And after dinner tonight, I had about ¾ of a 600 gram can.   

Mhm. I do believe I’m pushing it. Especially considering I have an event in 2 days that I don’t want to appear particularly bulgy for. At least this kind of binge makes you so sick of the food that even thinking abut it makes your mouth water in disgust. Definitely a good thing. So, my main goal for the next few days: work on not eating unless actually hungry and DRINK WATER, damnit!

Meal plan time. 

Jan. 16

B – (if hungry, not likely considering the coconut milk) ¼ cup oatmeal/1.5 oranges
L – apple, carrots, maybe chili with rice
D – whatever’s made
Extras – Chai tea, frozen berries/mango after dinner

Jan. 17
B – see above, maybe cereal
L – oranges (1 – 2 if not part of breakfast), apple (if actually in the house), whatever else I can find and feel like.
D – broccoli, whatever else is on.
Extras – something quick digesting for before yoga, chai tea, frozen berries/mango

Jan. 18 (event day)
B – depending if hungry
L – scrounge-able fruit and veggies, maybe corn flakes
D – probably some sort of salad, depending on where I am.
Extras – chai tea

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long time no post. [09 Nov 2006|08:03pm]
[ mood | very blah ]

My bmi is 18.5 right now. That's actually surprising and pathetic all at once.

And it's been forever, because I've been to lazy to sign out and sign in again on this account.

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I'm still alive! [04 Aug 2006|11:59pm]
[ mood | cold ]

But I tend to hibernate online during the summer. Too much goes on. Things have been hectic with unpacking from moving and adjusting to our 'housemate' and etc. I honestly haven't been trying to keep any sort of system going on with food. Not even by meals or snacks. I eat when I feel like it, which seems to mean I'm snacking throughout the day. Going to bed full and waking up full, but then eating breakfast and other things just cause I want to even though I'm full. Pretty pathetic really, and I'm fed up with it, but not to the point where I'm panicking (as opposed to anything like this happening before).

I dragged out the scale before jumping in the tub earlier, honestly dreading to see something like 108 (I haven't weighed myself in easily over  month), but even after everything I took in today, I was at 102 lbs. That was my usual 'after meal' weight for a lot of last year too... but I swear I'm chubbier than anytime last school year.

102 is NOT okay. Tomorrow I'm going to make sure my meals are definable, first of all. That alone should cut back about 300 calories. And avoid eating after 7:30 - 8. I've developed this weird habit of taking about 1/4 of a cup of frozen blueberries and a cup of tea along with a book upstairs when I have baths, usually around 10. After that, knowing me, I'll plan to decrease my intake at a pace my body won't freak out at, but end up eating around 200 calories per day for a week or so without meaning to jump that low.

My head in going nuts from lack of sleep. Technically I should be catching up on that, so goodnight... morning.

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Time to sort through my thoughts. [03 Jul 2006|12:19am]
[ mood | determined ]

Okay, me:

- Someone (strangely enough the same person who claimed I was a glutton, also strangely enough my grandmother) told me today how nice it's been to have gotten to actually know me in the past year. She apparently was "worried about me last year" because I "was into so much black and so withdrawn from my surroundings". Last year was NOT a good year, that's true, and I suppose she had good enough reason to worry, but... Her spoken reasons were things like me not going into the water at the lake with everyone else (hello, have you heard of menstruation?!), hiding during 'family time', and of course, the black, which I don't think are legitimate at all. If it was that I never showed my arms, never ate more than a few bites in front of people, etc, maybe I'd be a bit more open to discussion or at least saying something along the lines of 'Oh, thanks'. At the same time, she's the kind of person who wouldn't bring those back up unless they bit her in the face and she had no choice. Anyhow. I don't know what my point with this was. I suppose it just bugged me that she remarked on it. It did make me realize how much more involved and not so self absorbed I've become though, which is probably a good thing... At the same time though, I still really want to regress back to my age 13 mentality sometimes. My conscious won't let me... along with the healthy part.

- She also asked me if I liked myself more now (which surprised the hell out of me). I had to think on that, and I think the truth is no, not really. But I am more accepting of and comfortable as who and what I am. Sometime I like myself more, but rarely.

Someone close to me:

- Her dad is either in denial or is seeing some truth that I'm having trouble with. It could fairly easily be either, I just can't easily admit to or act on the second yet for various reasons. I want to go up to her dad and just shake him and somehow make him realize that he handled things just about as badly as he fucking possibly could have. But I can't. I might be able to talk to him, but that would be odd because while I do have some experience with this, he's the parent and it would be like going up to him and telling him how to raise my friend. Which I don't think is okay, but neither is his damn way of handling things! ARG. My thoughts are REALLY mixed up on this.

Food:

Like I said, I feel more comfortable with who I am... I'd be willing to go about this healthily maybe, if I was sure it would work and not take to long. But I'm getting sick of myself again. I need some structure to my food intake. Starting now.

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[30 Jun 2006|11:03am]
[ mood | dirty ]

I've gotten into a habit of preparing these really yummy looking almost dessert dishes for myself, always healthy, and usually at breakfast or lunch. Still trying to figure out if I'm trying to compensate and make them look better so I won't feel so bad about actually eating. This morning it was plain non-fat yogurt with little kiwi slices in a scale pattern drizzled with honey, but I couldn't finish it. I've been feeling really physically blah which makes sense actually. I've had ice cream 3 times in the last 3 days and it's usualy a rare treat if anything. Not to mention the lactose and gluten intolerance (which hasn't been so strictly enforced).

Later today I'm seeing the Naturopath too. We'll see how that goes... she and I tend to butt heads regarding food choices.

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[26 Jun 2006|03:13pm]
[ mood | too warm... ]

No SHIT I look healthier. One tends to when they're not eating their body away. I don't need to you to point it out thanks. It's also called sun. Sun brings out some color in skin. Yes, can you believe it?! And eyes DO tend to sparkle, seeing as though they're covered in liquid.

JESUS! Really, I didn't need that. She was about a milimetre away from me just walking out of there.

Okay. I'm having a really hard time with parts of my mind right now. I have a disordered part and a healthy part. Sometimes I listen to and act on one side, and sometimes I listen to one and act on the other. The last two weeks I've been listening to and acting on the healthy side. It was too unlogical to restrict during exams, because I know for a fact I think better when I've eaten. Now, as in the last week or so, I've been listening to the disordered side and acting on the healthy side, which is where the conflict comes in. I litterally can't sleep at night cause I keep having these conversations with myself about what the hell I'm doing. Do you know how frustrating that is?? I've noticed it the other way too. I'll listen to the healthy side and be acting on the disordered side. That tends to scare me though, whereas my current situation just pisses me off bigtime. Its like a big headbutting contest that feels completely out of control. And things get even more complicated with how often I change my mind between wanting to be an emaciated little twig with no other meaning to life and actually being healthy and going somewhere in life. It may seem obvious that the second is the better choice and worth living for, right? The problem is, sickness and disorder is just as appealing to me. RRRRRRG!

Time to stop ranting. I did actually have something intelligent and insightful to say earlier but I don't quite remember what it was.

Have a nice day.

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[24 Jun 2006|10:46pm]
[ mood | ARG! ]

I can't seem to find a happy medium here. I eat near nothing or I eat like someone's going to steal all my food. The last few days I've been fucking living for my next meal or my next chance to eat without ridicule. It's pathetic, and I'm ashamed to the point of this being hard to admit to, even in a god damn blog that hardly anyone reads... I should have control over this, and I don't seem to right now. It's disgusting to me.

I can't help but think of punishments at this point.

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[22 Jun 2006|08:29pm]
[ mood | blah ]

I was called a glutton today. Apparently it's time to stop eating so much in her presence.

Obviously things haven't been going well. I'm actually not even trying to not eat or eat. I just go with what I feel like (which has been some major munching). It's close to that time of the month, and I tend to eat more during the week leading up. Then I restrict like crazy. I fucking hate this cycle sometimes. I've gained a fair amount of weight too... to the point where I can see it in my face. That makes it and living with myself all the more annoying.

Yes. Time to restrict.

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[18 Jun 2006|07:48pm]
Today I ate like a 'normal', non-eating disordered person. Unless you count the fact that alot of it was cereal drenched in water. The last week I haven't done any chocolate, refined sugar, or gluten. The gluten is for a reason, as is the sugar, but while I was conscious of how much I had, I didnt obesess over not having ANY today. I feel full, always a bad thing, but I'm able to concentrate on other things like studying and such, so the guilt isn't going nuts on me. It's exam time and I need to be able to think right, so it's probably not hurting too much to have the extra energy about now.

I even let mum treat me to gelato. Me. Gelato. Do you have any idea how weird that is?

It's strange how when I get into restricting mode, I just don't think about food at all. It's just an inconvienience that I don't need to worry about. Then when I try to break the routine, I have little freak outs. And then I can eat normally for a few days without a problem and then it's like BOOM. Food is bad. You are bad if you eat it, and you don't have any right to think you need it. So I don't need it.

My dream about room arrangements also included me being depressed after a ballet class and going to a friends house (that looked more like a funky coffee shop), where she baked me a chocolate 'feel better' cake. I told her I couldn't eat it because of the gluten and she said 'Hell, just lick the icing off then.' So I did. It was the vanilla type with rainbow bits (yum) and that cake was bare by the time I was finished. Then I started thinking about how much icing is in one of those tubs. That's alot of icing. Damn good thing it was just a dream. After that, we went flying on big red carpets, but that's a bit off topic.

So I feel fat. And I'm not going anywhere without my sweater tomorrow.



Oh! Another thing I was going to update about. Last night I had about 400 calories (alot for me on restriction) between maybe 5 and 9:30 pm. I didn't sleep well at all. I was bouncing off the walls before I went to bed and then I was lying awake thinking of the gross fatty caloric mess inside me (which was actually causing me a fair amount of pain).  I didn't actually sleep until around 2 or 3 am. That's another reason not to binge before bed apparently.

Anyhow. It's 8:15. I need a shower and to hit the books. Harder.

Take care all who read this. What is it, one.. two of you? Meh, oh well, you're special.
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[15 Jun 2006|04:35pm]
[ mood | content ]

Today's been great for some reason. Not that I'm complaining...  I haven't eaten, but I've had the energy to work in classes and keep up with phys. ed. and general conversations.

The fact that it was the last real day of school didn't hurt at all either, I'm sure.

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[14 Jun 2006|07:47pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Minimally freaking out. I've been completely off refined sugar since Monday, not that big of an accomplishment. I've also been restricting more than last week. Generally it's not a problem, but I've actually been feeling really  nauseous whether I do or don't eat. Plus faint if I don't. I actually feel really shitty. I'm not entirely sure why... not that much has changed diet wise, except that I don't have much variety at the moment. (Corn flakes, carrots, tuna, celery, strawberries, and tea. yay. Today I also had an orange.)

This can end anytime.

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Ah, the rebel days. They make you feel like absolute shite. [05 Jun 2006|07:44pm]
[ mood | confused ]

Morning brought much reluctance to get my bum out from under the covers. It was so warm and comfortable and I just wanted to fall asleep there until my mind and body deemed me ready to wake up and deal with everything.

I let a friend buy me 10 chocolate covered espresso beans today. I ate most of them. Which, more than likely helped along the spark of fear concerning control over my eating issues. This morning I was mentally forced to eat a kiwi for breakfast and it scared me to death. I was freaking out inside, but lacked the will and energy to make it extrinsic as well. Anywho, the feeling of being that scared over a fucking kiwi (what, 35 calories?) made me want to stuff my face full of everything I deny myself, just to prove I actually can if i want to. It really doesn't help much though, in the long run. For one thing, I feel like shit afterward. And my wallet is a few grams lighter, and my skin likes to act up. And of course, there's the retaining most of it too, which is particularly problematic, as most of the crap is chocolatey. I find myself wondering why I couldn't have just settled for a juice bar. Damn it. This is being out of control in a way too though.

Blah. Headache. Wish me homework love.

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[04 Jun 2006|09:44am]
[ mood | chilly ]

It's really frustrating how I tend to hate parts of my body in sequence. First it was my butt and thighs, then it was my butt, then it was my face and butt, then it was my face, butt and thighs, etc. Now it's my arms and butt. Plus a general need to be smaller that doesn't go away.

I finally fit into my old favorite pants after 5 months of not being able to wear them. That made my day, for sure. : ) They're nice and baggy, so the only part that was a problem was the waist and fit around the bum. I didn't notice actually changes there in the last week, so I didn't bother trying them on until someone hassled me this morning about wearing the same pants 5 days in a row (I know, I know, shut up. I like my comfort pants.). So yep, today looks like a good day.

My body really didn't like all the junk I ate this weekend; I've had cramping and discomfort since Friday night. Things are better now, but it makes me panicy to think of any kind of food in my intestines. I can visualize it, and my immediate reaction is 'Shit! That's not supposed to be there! Get it out!' I've promised myself no laxatives and no purging (which isn't an option multiple hours later anyhow. I also HATE vomiting), so I'm stuck. Yay for distractions?

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Right. [03 Jun 2006|07:14pm]
[ mood | teriffied ]

Here we go again! I HATE it when I lose control. It's Saturday, I'm weak, I'm tired, I'm stressed, I'm anxious, I NEED to fucking stop. Mhm. Intake up about 200 calories. Restricting starts now.

Why are we weak enough to give into cravings? What are cravings? Are they mental or physical? I suppose it depends on things. Malnutrition could cause cravings for missing nutrients. Upsetness could cause cravings for comfort food. Hmm. That's intriguing.

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[03 Jun 2006|06:26pm]
[ mood | pissy ]

FUCKING DRAMA!

The food situations haven't been horrible. Less than 500 caloriess each day, my system is going nuts dealing with the extra food though. But hey, I can think. That's a plus. Cravings are coming back. That's a minus.

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Day four. [01 Jun 2006|09:11pm]
[ mood | blah ]

The school councellor asked if I'd be willing to see the nurse since I can't easily see a doctor. I said yes, as long as it's confidential. I have no idea what we'll talk about though. It's more than likely anything she can tell me I already know.

Part of me hopes to be surprised, part of me hopes I do know as much as I think.

There are some touchy food situations coming up and I'm reeally not looking forward to dealing with those. Especially the family ones.

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